For my final reflection, I think I’ll focus a bit more on something that’s been on my mind for a while. While it is quite personal, I also believe that it fundamentally encapsulates a lot of the things that Ge was talking about in his lecture. Especially the quote, “What we make, makes us” and this perhaps overwhelming feeling of being at a point in our lives where there doesn’t seem to be a correct or great decision to be made. On that note, I find myself struggling with what one could consider an instance of Sophie’s Choice:
On one side of my decision, I feel a very strong force that pressures me into applying to as many “New Grad Software Engineering” roles as possible. By force, I mean much of what was discussed in class (such as expectations of this school system that basically molded me into feeling this way, financial responsibilities, etc). While I have indeed applied to many of them, to be completely honest, my outlooks aren’t looking that great and when I try to look to my future, I don’t really know if it's within a big corporation working as a Software Engineer. Hence this decision could be categorized as “Keep grinding Leetcode, keep applying, (hopefully) get a job, bla bla bla”.
On the other side of this decision, there is a very strong force from my brother, who just started his video game studio and wants me to be a part of it. While my heart feels like I should join him and work on these projects, I also am very fearful: I’m here on a Student Visa and working for him might actually not allow me to stay here for more than 1 year (which could separate me from my girlfriend and my brother). Additionally, the financial guarantee of working with him is also virtually non-existent. Hence, this decision could be categorized as “follow my dreams, but live in uncertainty”.
Why do I bring this up?
I think I do because this class has made me very introspective. It has made me question why I do the things I do. It has made me value artistic moments that I put myself in. It has basically made me think about how I want to live my life. But, while working with my brother and trying to pursue my video game design dream career seems so appealing to me (and in a sense of final truth, what I really want), I still feel reluctant… Maybe being scared is okay. But maybe, I need to incorporate “What we make, makes us” at a deeper level. Maybe if I do, there won’t even be a choice to make afterall.