JAPAN - KOYTO & KOYASAN

~ a shitty photo tour ~

When you see this icon below, click it to show photo captions.

This is part two of my three-part adventure to Japan and South Korea. Uhhh, I forgot to read the beginning!

After a luxurious two-hour ride on the Shinkansen, we arrived in Kyoto. By now it was about one hundred and thirty five past four in the after noon, so we were in the mood for dinner. We stopped at a mall and had some fish and beef tongue. It was pretty tasty, in fact. In Asia, they aren't afraid to eat most parts of an animal. Another nice example of this is when they served me miso soup with shrimp heads in it. You don't eat the head, but it provides a wonderful flavor to the soup. I've heard they also use the heads of chickens as hood ornaments for cars, but I didn't experience this firsthand.

In the mid 1800's, Japan experienced a cultural revolution when they realized they could mass produce cute things. Even the train cars have cute cartoon depictions--they're everywhere.
This is the Kyoto Tower. Standing at over seventeen centimeters tall, it's the tallest structure in Kyoto.

KYOTO

We actually weren't planning to spend a ton of time in the city, but we did have some destinations in western Kyoto in mind. The Arashiyama district sits on the outskirts of Kyoto and has lots of interesting sights. The two we came to see were the bamboo forest and the Iwatayama Monkey Park. On our way through town, an older woman walking down the road approached us. I'm conditioned to believe this will be followed by "can you spare some change?", but this actually couldn't have been farther from correct. She guessed we were going to the bamboo forest and gave us directions because she saw this as an opportunity to practice her English. It was pretty endearing.

As the name "Iwatayama Monkey Park" suggests, the monkeys mostly own the place. It was about a twenty minute hike up the mountainside to get to the monkey village, but it was worth it. The macaque monkeys have a very humble civilization up in the mountains. They built a little shack and allow people to come visit! They even sell us bananas which we can then feed back to them because they know we like that kind of thing. It also stimulates the economonkey.

Like most trees, the cross section of bamboo has rings indicating its age. The implications of this are strange; since bamboo is hollow, this implies that the bamboo exists before you can touch, see, or feel it. Only once it reaches a certain age does bamboo actually have a physical manifestation. As far as I can tell, it's always miserably tall, though.
The path through the bamboo forest was like a trip through time except that every person that passed us on the trail was pointing their iPhone at things.
This is one of my favorite pictures. In our whole time in Japan, nobody approached us trying to sell us garbage or force their religion on us, but we did see this fellow preaching peace. The lack of western religion in Japan was very refreshing.
You're not supposed to look the monkeys in the eye, but you are allowed to feed them bananas or peanuts.
The monkey park is at the very top of a mountain. It's the farthest they could get away from people without developing a space program. The monkey who sold us our admission ticket said that the money is going towards that, though.
Our friend Monkey was very happy to be among her own kind for a change. The other monkeys stared and talked slowly, recognizing that she was a foreigner, but were polite just like the Japanese people.
The friendly monkeys take turns cleaning each other, but it's rude to stare.

The walk back to the train was peaceful. There were lots of little shops and businesses along the way. One of them sold soap that made you look like you were wearing blackface. They claim it's very popular with the ladies, but I never saw anyone wearing it. So either the sign was lying, or the men here are really pretty. Up until today, we had been renting places on Air Bee and Bee, but tonight, we were going to do something much more traditional. I'll give you a hint--it's not seppuku.

The standards for what is and isn't acceptable clearly aren't the same here. To avoid being labeled 'racially intolerant' wearing blackface in the states, you've more or less gotta be a Clinton.
This was the bathroom in one of our Air Bee and Bees. You can't move in the shower because the sink is in the way. There's no shower curtain either. The only way it could get worse is if the door swings into the room when it opens. Haha, yeah, it did that too.

KOYASAN

Koyasan is a magical place deep in the forests sitting at the top of Mount Koya. The name Koyasan means "Mister Koya", but I'm not sure we ever had the pleasure of meeting him. Koyasan is a very special place where monks stay and practice Buddhism. Tonight, we are staying at a temple and living the simple life.

Actually reaching Koyasan is a challenge of its own, but the Japanese really have this public transportation thing nailed down. First, you have to take a train. Perhaps any train will do, I didn't check. Ride it all the way to the end of the line. As you look out the window, skyscrapers start to give way to small cottages, and restaurants with flashy signs are replaced by terraced rice fields. Even the rice fields go away and all you see is trees and rivers. Travelers should take this opportunity to listen to their spirit. Tune out everything else and look inside yourself. Only once you are truly tired of riding the train will you actually get to the last station. Just as your butt starts to hurt, you arrive. Of course you aren't actually there yet. You still have to take a cable car up the mountain... and then a bus... and then walk a bit. Relax, self enlightment doesn't happen in a couple hours. It usually takes the better part of a weekend.

Once all the cities are gone, you start to see little villages spring up with traditional style architectures. I suspect people mostly farm, but I still saw a McDonalds pretty far out.
In the upper left corner, you can see some terraced land. They're either growing something or preparing for a particularly challenging bocce ball tournament.
Most of the people that live this far out are trees. That means their way of life is very different than the lives of most.
This is the cable car that you ride up the mountain. "Cable car" is a bit of a misnomer, they didn't have cable, or any TV at all. What a drag, I guess I'll just look out the window.

We arrived at the temple in the late afternoon and just in time for dinner! I took my shoes off at the door, but my feet were too big for any of the slippers they had, so I walked around in socks. They had a little cartoon mascot for the temples that looked like a Star Wars imperial naval guard... but cuter. The temple was really beautiful, and the insides were pristine. They made us a delicious vegetarian dinner and gave us comfortable robes to wear. After dinner, I went downstairs for one of those hot Japanese baths that I've heard so much about. This is one of those deals where you strip down to your birthday suit and take a pre-shower to get clean. The purpose of the bath is not to clean yourself. Apparently, it's to melt your skin off. I learned rather suddenly that the water is 110 degrees fahrenheit. When you are sitting in the bath turning red and someone walks in, you're supposed to act normally and pretend that you can't see their dingus. Or at least that's the warning I received. Staying in the bath for more than 15 minutes or so is probably impossible, but when you get out you're the cleanest you've ever felt. The rest of the night was spent relaxing, so I went and took some photogiraffes.

I sensed that this was another trap by the Galactic Empire, but Hana inisited that I stop being stupid and go inside.
There was a garden in the center of the temple. It's beautiful and also kind of a mess, which didn't really detract from its beauty.
The ancient, Japanese bug zappers that overlooked the garden. They were so old they still used size D batteries.
This night's challenge was to explain to an elderly man who only spoke Japanese that I wasn't wearing the slippers because my feet are too big. Sometimes the best way to stay out of trouble is to stay quiet and bow a lot.
Hana looks better in the robe than me. We've found the same to be true for tight leggings.
The tradition of sitting on the ground for meals is nice until your legs fall asleep and you can't find a fork to stick into them to wake them back up.
We were served tempura vegetables, miso soup, tofu, and a lot of tasty things I couldn't identify. For desert--purple jello. Really. It's made from seaweed instead of fish bones or whatever.
Raffie and Monkey enjoyed the view from our bedroom and didn't object to sleeping on the table.
These poor monks just came out here to pray, but one bad prank with a cement mixer turned their entire lives upside-down.
This is the temple we stayed at. Hana says that Japanese temples often are orange, Chinese ones are usually red or gold, Korean ones are green, and American ones are made out of hamburgers.

After my bath and photo session, we went to sleep for the night on the soft mats that the monks put in our room. I awakened by the sound of some rather loud flatulance. It turns out it was me, but I blamed Hana anyhow. Every morning, the monks do a chant and they invite you to come join. I forgot to get out of bed, but Hana said it was a good experience. I went downstairs to a nice vegetarian breakfast. It was similar to what we had for dinner, but without the jello. There's a lot of really tall temples and pagodas in Koyasan. However, not all of the magic of Koyasan is kept in the ancient treasures. We found some wonderful desserts in the nearby shops. There was also a beautiful graveyard, but there were no desserts to be had there. Out of respect for the dead, I tried not to think about ice cream as I passed by the gravestones.

This is Daimon, the gate into Danjo Garan (the temple area). Where I'm from, if you've got a front gate that looks like this, you're probably a doctor or a thief whose specialty is national monuments.
You know that feeling when you pick up a cookie tray that you didn't realize was very, very hot? Imagine holding it long enough for someone to sculpt the expression on your face.
A mighty pagoda! Inside is a gigantic golden Buddha and on the top is a huge antenna so Buddha can watch Sex in the City all the way from Japan.
This is another smaller pagoda. It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but with some pink paint and Hello Kitty stickers, it could be the talk of the town.
One of the challenges of Buddhism is to free yourself of attachment to material posessions. Somewhere in the fine print must be something about constructing a gigantic house for half a dozen golden statues.
Pino is great. I know it's only chocolate covered ice cream, but it really made my insides tingle.
Green tea, pumpkin, and sesame flavor?
I opted to get the blue ice cream. Turns out that it's soda flavored. Turns out that soda is blue.
They give late night tours of the cemetary to people who stay at the temples. It's no coincidence that you pay for your stay in advance.
There were lots of bowls sitting on top of gravestones that people threw money in. On Halloween, whoever's grave has the most money gets to come back to life.

The journey back from Koyasan was mostly quiet and full of introspection. I finally broke the silence with the age old question, "If a tree falls in the woods, and there's nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound?". After realizing that Hana had gotten up and gone to the restroom, I found myself alone in the train car. I then spent several seconds looking around and hearing nothing but train sounds, then realizing the irony of the situation, I felt embarassed for talking loudly with nobody around. I concluded that any respectable tree would keep quiet if they ever fell down, regardless of whether anyone was around or not. Having answered the age old question, I decided to cleanse myself with a trip to the restroom as well.

With only two destinations remaining in our stay in Japan, I started to realize that I was going to miss being here. Fortunately, the first of our destinations was so touristy that it made me regret existing at all. Without further tofu, I give you the Golden Pavillion!

It's actually only a thin layer of gold around a wooden house. Kind of like how a sausage only has a thin layer of meat around who knows what.





I bet that's what you think being at the Golden Pavillion is like, huh?





No, no. Here's what it's really like.





"Move, it's my turn to get a picture! Ok, have a picture of myself with the big yellow house, let's get back on the bus before they make me learn chopsticks!"
Hundreds of dolts armed with smartphones on vanity poles.
A firing squad of photographers armed with DSLRs and protected from nature by their fishing hats.

We learned our lesson, but still wanted to see the Inari shrine, so we went at the butt-crack of dawn before the tour busses woke up and ruined things.

THE INARI SHRINE

The Inari shrine has a very unusual history. More than a thousand years ago, they were constructed for the emperor. Unlike many historical structures, this one was not built to honor a death. They in fact embody the life of the emperor. You see, the emperor liked to have a good time. Many nights a week the emperor would go out and drink with his pals, but rarely did he make it home before the following morning. Living in his humble cottage on Mt. Inari, finding your way home was a tricky task. One day his wife ordered the people of Kyoto to build these large gates. She even built a few herself! The idea was that when her husband was done getting drunk as a skunk, all he had to do was follow the orange gates home. Legend has it the emperor never lost his way again, but he never did manage to kick the drinking habit.

Despite the fact that there are thousands of gates, they are quite a lot like fingerprints: they may be beautiful but they are dirty so don't put them in your mouth.
If I was an emperor, I'd build all kinds of crazy things just to make people in the future ponder their origin. Like an elevator that only has access to one floor.
Gazing at the Atari shrine, one can't help but wonder, "Where are the bathrooms here?".

We left Japan on a high note, and I do indeed miss being there very much. No time to be sentimental now, we have a plane to South Korea to catch!


You can either keep reading or you can turn back to some pitiful clickbait top ten bullshit. Why read fake news when you could read fake entertainment? Korea here we come!
If you want updates about new shitty photo tours, enter your email here (I do about one a year):